


business as usual

by tripletmoons



Series: dangerous levels of hyperbole [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-29
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-09 18:31:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16455125
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tripletmoons/pseuds/tripletmoons
Summary: Kagami is single handedly ruining the Clan’s reputation. Izuna cannot handle it.





	business as usual

Izuna is halfway down the street when he hears Kagami’s voice coming from _somewhere_. He instinctively grabs at his waist, grasping air where _Nikkari_ ’s hilt usually rests. It has only been two days since Izuna’s disastrous mission with him ended, but the sound of his cousin’s voice still boils his blood. It’s no wonder his brother confiscated his beloved blade; he’s quicker to bludgeon someone with its dull-edge than punch, even with his usual sword-arm confined in a damnable sling.

He channels a hint of chakra to his ears; sharpening Kagami’s voice into words. He’s one street over; far enough away that he should just ignore him and-. The subject matter registers.

“So, you know how the Senju tend to be built thick?”

Boiling is too quaint a word for the heat that ignites in his veins. Maybe he will punch his cousin after all.

“Yeah. Even the kunoichi put muscle on like it’s nothing.” A woman - Honoka - replies bitterly; something scrapes discordantly, a whetstone down a blade. “Those bastards.”

“Well, Tobirama Senju is _the_ _thickest of them all_. He is thick like a tree trunk. His thighs can crush skulls, his shoulders can hold up mountains, his biceps are bigger than Madara-sama’s skull.”

Izuna growls, launching himself over the nearest roof and onto the next street over, landing silently in a crouch. His cousin is sitting outside old man Watari’s bakery with some of the shinobi that make up his usual patrol squad. Kagami’s hands are enthusiastically mapping out what is, apparently, his estimate of that Ugly-Ass Albino Rat Fucker’s biscep circumference, which is about three times larger than it should be. Obscenely gratitioutious in all respects. Clearly Kagami's ability to measure something with his sharingan is shit.

“I swear to all the gods, that man is hotter than a great fireball. Just looking at him gave me a sunburn.”

Izuna rises to his feet and stalks closer, curling the fingers of his un-injured arm into a fist.

“That’s called a blush, Kagami.” Katsutoshi drawls. The table roars with laughter.

Honoka catches sight of Izuna over Kagami’s shoulder and chokes, almost cutting herself as she fumbles with her kunai. Everyone - except for Kagami - at the table turns to him, staring. The laughter dies.

“Listen,” Kagami demands, slapping his hands on the table, “the mouth watering hotness of Tobirama _Fuckable_ Senju is dangerous. It is weaponizable. This is a _warning_ about his Madara-sized biceps.”

Izuna comes to a stop behind Kagami and breaths out air that is a touch too hot, laced with fire chakra. _I_ _ _n_ , out. In, out _. He’s not getting any calmer.

“I cannot stress this enough-.”

“Kagami-.” Honoka interjects, but it’s too late.

Izuna grabs Kagami’s collar and pulls until his cousin is bent-backwards, staring up at him. Kagami’s sheepish smile sits wrong on his paling face.

“ _Kagami-_.” Izuna hisses.

With a startling quickness that indicates he hasn’t forgotten the _last_ time Izuna held his shirt collar, Kagami breaks out of his hold and sprints down the street at high speed.

Izuna doesn’t hesitate to give chase.

\---

A week later, Izuna is out of his sling and armed with his beautiful deadly baby _Nikkari_. There is no happier man in the Uchiha compound; there is no happier man in the entire Fire Country. Hell, Izuna Uchiha is the happiest man alive.

He bounces into Madara’s office and beams at his big brother over a tower of paperwork. Madara lets it pile up for a week or two and then cuts his way through it all at once like he’s imagining a body in its place. Watching his beloved elder brother suffer only brightens his already radiant mood.

Perhaps scenting Izuna’s joy, Madara looks up, sharingan bursting to life like fire from coal. “Wipe that grin off your face, _Izuna_.” He snarls Izuna’s name like a curse.

Izuna smiles wider. Familial love is so great.

Madara tosses a mission scroll at his head. It stings Izuna’s palm when he catches it. “Get out before I follow that up with fire.”

Izuna blows a kiss, doges an ornate paperweight, and turns to bounce back out, unrolling the scroll as he goes. In the minute since he’s been in the office, his team has already assembled. Actually, he might have flounced right past them on his way in. Their pale faces speak of an extended time watching Madara attempt to murder paperwork into submission.

Kagami gives him a nervous smile from the fringe of the group. Izuna’s surprised to see him - he’s not usually added to Izuna’s squad unless they need several heavy combat specialists - but not upset. _Nikkari_ is at his hip, his arm is free from the evil confines of a sling, he is the happiest man alive. All of his past ire is forgotten.

He claps Kagami on the shoulder genially as he prances past, ignoring his cousin's flinch. He re-adheres his eyes to the scroll.

A short escort mission down a oft used trade-road. It promises some resistance; bandit resistance, but still.

Izuna drops his hand to _Nikkari’s_ hilt; his grin widens to face-splitting proportions. Today is a beautiful day.

\---

Izuna’s mood hits sky shattering heights when his squad’s sensing expert - Kaho - speaks up on their way back to Clan lands. “Senju mission-squad led by Tobirama Senju twenty kilometers out and moving in at high speeds. Five shinobi in total: one with water nature, three with earth nature and one with wind nature. All have well developed coils and the feeling of ninjutsu specialists.”

“Alright, v-formation everyone. Ready for contact.” Izuna announces, igniting his sharingan and rerouting chakra to his gut, kindling the heat there in preparation. “We’ll scrimish but I don’t want any Uchiha deaths on this return run. There’s nothing worth dying for here. Unless, of course, any of us get a kill-shot on that Red-Eyed Demon Fucker.”

“Business as usual then?”

Izuna laughs. He’s been itching to kick the Fucker's ass since he had to retreat from their last encounter.

“Ten kilometers.” Kaho announces.

There’s a moment of suspense - everything is quiet, calm, fire country forests are beautiful - and then a massive wave of water roars in. Izuna breaths out, letting loose a blast of fire that dissipates everything to steam. Then, from out of the haze, the Fucker bears down on him, blade out and crackling with lightning. Izuna meets him head-on, _Nikkari_ glowing cherry red with heat as he funnels his chakra in.

As usual, the Senju’s cuts are precise and forceful, requiring agile interceptions and redirections. They dance back and forth, hands busy with blade work that moves far too fast for even signless ninjutsu additions. Most of their fights are like this; gloriously complicated sword fights in close quarters. It’s several steps up from fighting bandits.

Izuna keeps track of his team enough to notice when Kagami breaks the five-on-five stalemate, grinning like a lunatic as he calls down lightning and blasts his unprepared opponent back. The crispy Senju is still twitching as he flies past, so Kagami didn’t manage a lethal voltage. Shame.

Tobirama disengages and jumps back, eyes flicking away for a second even as they both sheath their swords to fly through hand signs. Izuna’s team thumps onto the branches around him. Kagami, who’s had more time than any of them to prepare, breathes out a fire phoenix to mix with Izuna’s house-sized fireball, both of which are countered by a single water jutsu that withers some nearby trees to husks.

There is a moment of tense silence; Izuna and his four able-bodied comrades staring down the Fuckers team, which is down an extra crispy earth user.

“Well, that was hot.” Kagami announces, matter of fact, into the silence. Effectively killing said silence. “Or, maybe, the opposite of hot since he countered fire jutsu. Jutsu as in plural, _wow_.”

The Fucker’s team actually - honest to the gods - boggles. Izuna doesn’t even blame them; only an idiot finds someone capable of killing trees via _instant dehydration_ enticing. Kagami is single handedly ruining Izuna’s mood and the Clan’s reputation. The Fucker himself is - as always - a barely reactive wall of ice.

Kagami - not to be deterred - smiles happily as he visibly eyes the Fucker's arms, plummeting Izuna’s mood straight into the earth.

“Kagami.” He warns.

“Uh, can I at least mention I was bummed he didn’t hawk me?” His cousin whispers loud enough that everyone can hear him.

Kaho - a traitor to the noble stoicism of the Uchiha - only barely manages to stifle giggles.

“Are you always like this?” The Fucker asks, peering at Kagami like he’s looking at a bug under glass.

Alright, not cool. Kagami is a freak - and clearly can’t estimate bicep size for shit - but he’s also Izuna’s cousin. “Hey, don’t look at my clanmate like that.”

Kagami is tomato red but still - _still_ he speaks, ruining Izuna’s kind gesture. “Uh, Izuna-sama, he can look at me whatever way he wants.”

“Kagami,” someone from his squad whispers - in an actually whisper, thank the gods, “are you out of your fucking mind?”

Instinctively, Izuna smacks Kagami over the head before his cousin can respond. He cannot take any more flirting.

Evidently, neither can the Fucker because he glances sharply over the Uchiha lineup - eyeing Kagami with a split-second of creepy focus - and holds up a closed fist. His team gathers their jaws and vanish back into the woods. The Fucker grabs his crispy comrade and in seconds the Senju squad far enough away to escape the sharingan.

Izuna cuts a quick look to Kaho, who nods. The Senju are retreating in the direction of their lands.

Assured that his team isn’t about to be ambushed, Izuna turns the full force of his glare to Kagami, who looks kind of floaty and not nearly scared enough. Izuna feels the intense need to kick his ass, but that has been proven not to deter him.

“You,” he articulates forebodingly, “will explain this entire encounter to my brother.”

Kagami’s expression curdles like spoiled milk.

Huh, looks like Izuna’s mood is salvageable after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a heads up. In this fic the Senju are thick like tree trunks - absolutely stacked - while the Uchiha are bendy and slim like reeds. So please know that there is a hilarious size difference and revel in it as I do. Also, know that despite being a built dude, Tobirama is quick like lightning; this juxtaposition freaks out most of the Uchiha unless they are Kagami Uchiha. Kagami Uchiha wants to climb the Tobirama Tree. 
> 
> Additionally: I will have chapter two out before December, so.


End file.
